Falling For The Okie Doke

When we’re going through a bad situation or seeking help, we often look for someone to analyze our problems.  This leaves vulnerable, and we’ll listen to just about anyone that lends an ear and seems to know what they’re talking about.

That’s very dangerous.  When you’re at your lowest is when you need to hear what people are saying the most.  There are millions of snake oil salesmen out there that lack substance, but because it sounds like relieving words at a time of need, we take it as gospel.

That’s when people fall for the “okie doke.”

For those of you who don’t know what that “okie doke” is, that’s when someone gets played for a fool.  Think of all those internet scams out there that promise $1000 a day for 15 minutes work…and all you have to do is make 3 payments of $39.95 for it.  That sounds like a godsend…but if it were that easy, there wouldn’t be a broke ass on the planet.   A lot of people fall for the “okie doke” on a regular basis.

The reason I bring this up is I was listening to an urban radio station today and heard a classic example of the “okie doke”.  A psychic was on and invited people to call in and discuss their problems.  A  young woman named Trina called in to ask the psychic if she should stay with her child’s father.  She said he comes around to spend time with her and the baby, but that they don’t see eye to eye.

A slick talker would be able to take a lot out of the italicized passage and use leading questions to guide someone in the direction they want the conversation to go in, luring them into the “okie doke”.  The psychic skillfully asked  series of questions that didn’t really say much, but had Trina thinking she was the second coming….

You probably feel overwhelmed with work and taking care of the baby, right?

Uh, no sh*t.  Basically, Trina’s a single mom, and there may be no tougher job in the world than that. Unless she’s on welfare, she’s working.  I know I talk a lot of sh*t about the ladies, but I acknowledge and appreciate the hard work a single mom puts in holding down a 40 hour a week job, and then coming home to cook dinner and help the kids with homework.  She must be tough in a tough situation.

The psychic made Trina feel appreciated, like someone out there understands what she’s going through.  Whether the psychic was single and had children or not is irrelevant; she made Trina feel like she could relate and played the sympathetic friend.

The first part of the “okie doke” is to make someone feel like they are safe and can trust you; a boa constrictor always hugs its prey before squeezing it to death.

(On a Side Note:  Some of you ladies brought this upon yourselves. A lot of times, you nagged a good man to death and drove him away.  The next time you want to blame someone, look in the mirror instead of calling your girlfriends and complaining that there are no good men out there.  He wanted to help with kids with homework and make family time, but you were steady b*tchin’ about the toilet seat being up.  The toilet seat is down now, but there’s no man in sight.  Dummy.)

There were probably money issues, right?

That’s not exactly a leap of faith since money is one of, if not the, top reason couples separate, whether it be one uses it to control the other, or just that the bills and necessities aren’t being taken care of.  And we the current economic state of the country, chances are money issues would apply to Trina too.

Even though he come by to see the baby and make family time, you’re still not happy, right?

All the psychic did here is repeat what Trina first told her but in the form of a question.  She didn’t really add anything, but the way she phrased the question makes it seem like she did, kind of like the “Great Repeater” at the office, who just repeats everything everyone else says with a few gestures and some big words thrown in.

xxxxxxxxx…RIGHT?

Notice how the psychic ended each question with the word right.  She’s TELLING Trina these are the reasons for her issues, even if they aren’t.  Right isn’t used to confirm, but to control.  For someone already having troubles, hearing that this is right is like finding the cause to your problems…even though they are something all together different.

After Trina hung up, I’m sure she felt like she had the source of all her problems…but she really didn’t get much help.

That’s the “okie doke” for you.  Feel free to comment.

Don’t You Blaspheme In Here!

As the saying goes, “all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”  Well, I’m speaking out on something today.  Let’s see what you do on this one.  This is partially a rehash of an old piece I did, but it still applies.  Hope you enjoy.

I first want to say that this will address a very sensitive topic to many: religion.  I do not mean to make light of, fun of, or change your beliefs.  I feel that all religions are to be respected, no matter what deity you pray to.

But I do want to make you think a little.  If your sorry ass keeps letting you get taken advantage of, you need to start opening your eyes.

One day I was watching a religious broadcast, not for the religious aspect, but because I found it entertaining.  You’ll understand why in a minute.  I don’t want to put the name of the preacher out there, but I don’t think A Dollar of mine will ever be Flowing out of my pocket to him (if you can’t figure it out who it is, think about it).

He was talking about communion and how he was at a church and they didn’t have bread and wine.  This guy said that he took potato chips and Sprite, blessed them both, and they became the bread and the wine for the communion (I’m not making this up; I couldn’t if I tried).  I burst into laughter, thinking, “He can’t be serious!”

Then, I looked back at the television, and the audience gave him a standing ovation.  Women were crying and testifying.  Men gripped their bibles tightly as feelings of euphoria took over.  All in attendance looked towards the heavens as if to thank God for sending this man down to them.

That made me ask a question:  Is organized religion is the new “hustle”, and I don’t mean hustle like we talked about before like effort, ingenuity, and creativity.  I mean like a con.

Organized religion has grown to astronomical proportions.  Mega churches with thousands or parishioners are popping up all over with television deals and advertising sponsorships.  If you can’t make it to service, don’t worry.  You can even get your favorite televangelist’s latest DVD delivered to your door for a little as $19.95…shipping and handling not included.

Here is why I think the con works:  People are afraid to question anything claimed to be sent from God.

Think about it.  Let’s say I was throwing a dinner party, ran out of cheese, crackers and wine, gave you chips and soda instead, and tried to pass it off as the exact same thing.  You’d think I was crazy.   But throw the Word it and people are falling out from catching the Holy Ghost.

I’m not saying this applies to all churches, but I see too many people scraping together what little money they had left to feed themselves (and even their kids) for the week and putting it on the collection plate, thinking that God will put food in their mouths. It’s sad really.  Belief in God is one thing; allowing someone to stick you up with a smile and a Bible in their hand is another.

If some of these things are going on in your house of worship, you may want to think strongly about changing where you pray:

• If there is an ATM in the lobby
• If the church checks your W-2’s to make sure you’ve paid your 10%
• If they pass the collection plate around more than once during service
• If you put money into the collection place and the usher stands there shaking it like he wants more
• If your church and/or preacher is being investigated  by the IRS

Some of you are laughing or saying to yourselves that these things are made up.  Actually, these are things that take place in churches that some people I know go to.

People will question their leaders all the time.  We question scholastic leaders (teachers), we question our bosses at work.  We even question the leader of our country who resides on Pennsylvania avenue.   We won’t question our religious leaders though, even though we are instructed to.  The Bible Book of Matthew 7 warns to “beware of the false prophet.”  How do you know he’s a false prophet unless you question what he does?

If you feel something isn’t right, ask.  Don’t be afraid to speak up.  I don’t remember reading about Jesus ever turning someone away when they wanted to know more.  I also don’t remember Jesus ever being adorned in the most expensive clothes or drinking from cups made of gold.  I guess times have changed; some preachers need luxury cars and private planes.

And you wonder why you’ve had a building fund for years, but the roof still leaks?

What are your thoughts?  Feel free to comment.

Side Piece Rules of Engagement

I was reading Single Black Male today (singleblackmale.net; a good read) and it made me think of an argument I saw not too long ago.  There were two young women and one man that looked like he’d much rather be somewhere else.  From what I could gather, one woman was the girlfriend, the other the side piece, and they were fighting over who got the right to call him their man.

I couldn’t help but think that he broke one or more of the side piece rules somewhere.   Did he make her feel too special?  Did he pour out his heart to her? I don’t know.  But he did something wrong.

But that made me think more.  If you apply the Six Sigma philosophy of the “5 Whys” (ask why 5 times and you usually get to the root cause), you get to the foundation of the matter.  If so many guys are following the side piece rules, why do so many guys get caught?

I know I addressed how to manage a side piece in one of my earlier posts (“Something On The Side”), but maybe I gave you guys too much credit.  I assumed you knew how to get a side piece the right way in the first place.

(Note: again, I do not advocate having a side piece.  If you have a monogamous relationship, stay true to it.  But if you’re going to cheat, dammit, do it right.)

If you don’t get a side piece the right way, you are setting yourself up for failure.  Just like the House of Quality (for some reason, I’m on my Six Sigma today) if you don’t have a solid foundation, the house will collapse.

So I’m going to give you 3 rules that help form the “Side Piece Rules of Engagement.”  They will guide you into getting a side piece the right way.  After that, proper management of the side piece should be a snap. As the late Biggie Smalls said,

I been in this game for year, it made me a animal

It’s rules to this sh*t, I wrote me a manual

A step-by-step booklet for you to get

Your game on track, not your wig pushed back

1 . The Rule of Opposites

Fellas, if you are going to have a side piece, you have to be willing to explore the spectrum of women out there.  Yes, you may have to go outside of your normal comfort zone or race to find a safe side piece.  You are not looking for a soul mate (that’s some bullsh*t anyway) or someone to call your lady; you already have your main girl for that.

Your side piece must be the opposite of your main girl.  If your lady is a diva that needs to get her hair and nails done every week, get a cute ass tomboy that likes sports. If your lady is an ebony soul sista, you should be looking for Pamela Anderson.

(Another note: Pamela Anderson is a fine white woman.  I’d tag that and write an article about it in Essence for all of you to read).

The reason is they are less likely to have the same interests or the same circle of friends.  Just like in math, you want to decrease the probability that Circle A will intersect with Circle B.  You might have to listen to some groups like Nickleback (actually, they’re not that bad) and go to the movies to see some stupid sh*t like Saw VI, but you probably won’t run into your girlfriend while you’re out either.

2.  “Something To Lose” Rule

Whenever possible, get a side piece that has something to lose to.  That means she is in a long-term relationship of her own or is married.  She will be less likely to catch feelings or grab your cell phone and call wifey.  Plus, she already has a man, so she is looking for something on the side herself that doesn’t have commitments.  That’s a win-win.

3.  30 Minute Rule

This rule is very important, probably the most important of any of the side piece rules. If you meet a side piece, no matter how fine she is, no matter how big her ass is, she must live at least 30 minutes away from home base. Minimum.  No one said having a side piece was going to be convenient, but again, the goal is not to get caught.  You don’t want to be out with wifey and bump into the side piece at the supermarket.

In my post “The Mission”, Greenbacker commented that he flew about 2 hours to meet an old side piece.  That’s planning for your ass right there!

You will have to take the side piece out for drinks, to a movie, etc., so you need to be smart about it.  Unless you live in rural America, there is plenty to do by your house, so you and your main lady probably stay local unless you’re planning something special.  In most cases, you probably don’t go more than 30 minutes from home base, especially if you live in or near a big city.  So local isn’t an option for having a side piece.

Another advantage is that the side piece isn’t likely drive 30 minutes from her house to make a surprise trip.  She’s likely to call first to make sure you’ll be there, so you can have your alibi ready.

Again, I don’t condone cheating, but if you have ever had an experience like ol’ boy in the argument, you’re f*ckin’ it up for everybody.  Keep these rules in your wallet and refer to them often if you’re going to have a side piece.

Feel free to comment.

The Mission

I was listening to some old school rap the other day on the Sirius Backspin station (love that station).  Special Ed came over my Sirius Radio with his song “The Mission.”  One of the lyrics is , “well, I was coolin’ at the crib with this girl Suzanne, and everything was goin’ just accordin’ to plan…”  That had me thinking…

Imagine this, fellas.  You meet a young lady on a night out or invite someone over.  There is some stimulating conversation, eye contact, a light touch on the arm.  The personal space between you is getting less and less by the second.  Perhaps a kiss.   The next thing you know, the two of you are alone in a dark room in the throws of passion.  It’s on.

The next morning (or even later that night. Damn fellas, ginseng), the two of you lay there for a moment, her snuggled up next to you with her head on your chest.  You gently kiss her on the head and think “Yes, that was awesome. Everything went just as planned.”

…according to your plan…or hers?

Women are a lot more aggressive these days in all aspects of their lives, career, finances, education (nothing wrong with that at all).  Why wouldn’t they be more aggressive in sex?   On occasion, I’ve heard women plotting on men as if they were going to club him over the head and drag him home for what they “needed”.  I used to be taken aback by this, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this sort of role reversal was just a natural progression of the times.

I really don’t think we were ready for this.  Perhaps it happened with the change of the family paradigm or some women just got tired of traditional relationships.  Whatever it was, it’s changed the way relationships are.

In the 1992 classic film “Boomerang” (I know I’ve referenced it before ,but it’s a classic; if you haven’t seen it, rent it this weekend).  The character of Jacqueline Boyer (played by Robin Givins) represents what many women are involving into now:  a female that is successful, aggressive, and unapologetic.

There was one scene where Marcus Graham (played by Eddie Murphy) bought tickets for he and Jacqueline to go to a show…except she never showed up and had him waiting outside the theater like a fool.  She didn’t call to say she would be late and Marcus was calling everywhere to see if she was alright. Later, Jacqueline shows up at his crib damn near “butt ass neck-ed”, bangs his brains out, puts $200 on the dresser for him like he’s a project ho, and leaves!  No cuddle time or pillow talk involved.  Damn!

When “Boomerang” came out, many thought Jacqueline would be nothing more than a fictional character that would never play out in the real world.  Fast forward as we move towards 2010.  I’m sure we all know a few “Jacqueline’s”.

Funny thing.  Recently I went out with some friends and overheard two men talking (I tried not to listen, it was hard not to).  One guy was talking with the other about a woman he’d recently met.  He couldn’t understand what happened between them.  Their relationship seemed to be going well, but after they’d had sex a few times, it seemed like she didn’t want to see him anymore and wouldn’t return any of his calls.  It seemed like sex was all she wanted from him.  He wanted to know what happened.

What happened was everything went according to plan…

If you know a Jacqueline or just want to comment, feel free…

Game, Set, Match…

I was at a female friend’s place last Sunday watching a few of the football games.  Nothing sexual.  We’ve always flirted, but we kept it at that.  We kicked back on the sofa, threw a few pillows back and forth, ordered a pizza, and got ready for a full day of watching what many be the manliest of all sports.

She sat there in her t-shirt and oversized sweats, with her hair pulled back in a single pony tail.  No make up or perfume.  Just two friends layin’ back.

Out of the blue she says to me perhaps the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard…

“Notice how Eli (Manning) always says “Omaha” right before the snapcount they’re going on.  He might need to switch that up. The defense is starting to catch on.”

My head quickly snapped to.  Huh? How did she catch onto that?? And she said it before the announcer says the same thing.

Suddenly, she seemed to glow a bit, almost radiant.  A while later…

“Idiot!! Why would you pass on 3rd and a mile inside your own 10 yard line? You’ve given the other team great field position on the kickoff.  Why don’t you just give the game away? Moron.”

I smiled at her as she started talking about how the coach has been calling boneheaded plays all game, but I wasn’t paying attention.   I just kept staring at her longingly.  Luckily, I was able to come to my senses and focus on the game.

I almost got trapped.

Fellas, it can happen to you too.  Beware.  Nowadays, women are infiltrating the inner sanctum of our mancaves.  Football Sundays are no longer just ours.  Women are watching boxing more and more.  The commissioner of my fantasy football league is a woman (she’s good too).

It’s not a new concept.  We men have been doing that for years.  Tell me you haven’t tried to cook a woman a meal to impress her. Tell me you didn’t watch Eddie Murphy as Marcus Graham in the movie “Boomerang” put on his mac and seduce Lela Rochon’s fine ass  and say….”Hmmmm, rosemary, huh.  I’ll have to add some of that next time I cook salmon” (great movie, rent if you haven’t seen it).

I’ve talked with female friends of mine that admitted to me they learned more about a sport to trap a man.  I’m not saying that there aren’t some women out there that are genuinely interested in football, but when a female friend of yours starts breaking down the zone blitz to you, your radar should be going up.

Women are smart fellas.  No longer are they thinking “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”  Now, they’re telling you why a wide receiver’s yards after catch should be higher.

If a girl you’re dating know more about your favorite sport than you, she’s got a plan.

I’m just trying to look out for you.

What are your thoughts? Feel free to comment.