Your Balls And Your Word

All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don’t break them for no one. – Al Pacino as Tony Montana in “Scarface”

I was watching “Scarface” not too long ago, and started thinking about the main character, Tony Montana.  He’s has a lot of flaws, but if there is one redeeming quality to him, it’s that he keeps his word.

(A brief segway: “Scarface” is a cult classic, but it pains me to see Al Pacino reinforce just about every Cuban stereotype with his superthick accent and pimp strut.  And I wonder why they couldn’t find a hispanic actor for the job, but I digress..)

Tony Montana wasn’t a man to be admired, but he had his morals.  He was a thief, drug dealer, and a murderer…but he wasn’t a liar.

It seems like a man keeping his word is a rare find these days.  Whenever you turn of the nightly news, you’re almost certain to find something of a man who said he was going to do something but didn’t.  There have been cases in business (AIG, Enron), government (just about everything George W. said), and even sports (I’m almost certain Tiger Woods made a vow to be faithful to his wife).  Where did we go wrong?

Now I’m no moral compass.  I’ve gone off the path of the righteous more than once in my life, hell even twice, but I keep my word.  That’s important to me.  Your word is your bond, and you should do all you can to keep it.

There may be some unforeseen circumstances that make you break your word.  For example, if you suddenly lose your job, taking your 5-year-old on that summer vacation to Disney World you promised goes out the window.  But as soon as you can make it up to him, you should.  You gave him your word.

Tony Montana said that all he had was his balls and his word.  Well, that’s all you leave with too.  All of the awards and money you made don’t mean anything when they’re putting you six feet under.  People will remember you for what you did..and didn’t..do.

A man already has his balls.  Make sure that you keep your word.  That will make you more a man than your testicular fortitude.

Feel free to comment.

Tiger The Raw Dog

I’m going to interrupt the series on my trip to the mountains for something newsworthy.  It shouldn’t be news worthy and we shouldn’t even have to discuss it, but it’s news now.

Part of being a man is being responsible.  It’s about protecting your family and having self-respect.  It’s not all about sexual conquests and the number of women you sleep with.  I used to admire Tiger Woods for his mastery of his craft, drive, and determination.  Now I think he might be the dumbest ass on the planet.

I officially have to say that Eldrick “Tiger” Woods is not TrueMan approved.

It’s been reported on USMagazine.com that Tiger Woods didn’t wear a condom with two of his side pieces.  I’m saying at least two.  You know more will come out of the woodwork.

This is unmanly.  This is dangerous.

Look, if you’re going to cheat, that’s one thing.  But if you’re going to go bareback all the time, you risk bringing that sh*t home.  He put his wife and his two children at risk.  If you’re single and you do that, I don’t condone it, but at least you’re not putting your family at risk.

It also wouldn’t surprise me if it came out that he had a few more little Tigers running around out there.

As you all know, or at least should know, when you sleep with someone without protection, you are sleeping with everyone they’ve ever slept with.  These scandalous hoes were willing to sleep with a married celebrity on more than one occasion. I think it’s safe to say they’ve probably  been around the block a few times.

I’m not hear to preach about safe sex. I’m sure that we’ve all done things we regret, either in a drunken stupor or in heat of the moment.  But this is different.  Tiger was out there, I mean really out there.  I’m hearing that the number of side pieces he had might be as high as ten. TEN.  Not flings or number of times he cheated, TEN side pieces.  You know he slept with those women at least once, and we’re expected to believe he went raw with just these two??

The USMagazine online article quotes some quack psychotherapist as saying that “this seems like sexual addiction.”  I don’t think it’s that complicated.  I think it was hubris and his feeling of invincibility.  I think Tiger felt like he was on top of the world (or behind, depending on your preferred position) and that he could do anything so he didn’t bother to take a couple of seconds and open a condom wrapper.

Tiger always kept his 9-iron covered.  I guess he didn’t feel it was important enough to cover his wood.

Tiger, you need more than to man up.  You need help…

Feel free to comment.

Why Men Cheat – The Plain Cheese Pizza Theory

Hi, all.  I’m sorry that my posts were lacking a little last week.  I took some time off and went away for a much-needed break from the rest of the world.  I’d begun to get stressed out.  When you’re a breath away from telling a co-worker, “Man, I’ll slap the sh*t out you if you say one more word”, you need some time off.

I went to a mountain resort and spa with a female acquaintance for a five-day getaway.  We had a lot of fun just laughing and kicking back.  It was about a 3 and a half hour drive, which gives you a lot of time to talk about a lot of different things; that can be a good and a bad thing, but it’s interesting.  It was good to get a female perspective in a 1-on-1 setting.  The next few blogs will be about my trip unless something news breaking happens so stay tuned.

As we were driving through the mountains the whole Tiger Woods saga was unfolding, which brought us to the age-old question “Why Do Men Cheat?”

I’ll explain it to you the way I explained it to her to help you understand men and why men cheat at times.  It isn’t because we hate you or you will never really satisfy us.  It isn’t because we always need to have new p*ssy or for some immature conquest.

Men cheat because we love you and we want to learn to appreciate you more.  It’s what I call “The Plain Cheese Pizza Theory.”  Now close your mouth and try to follow me on this one…

If you are married or in a committed, monogamous relations, to your man, you are like plain cheese pizza.  Men love plain cheese pizza because it is always there for us when we need it.  You can’t really go wrong with plain cheese pizza.  Think about it; have you really ever had a bad piece of plain cheese pizza?  Plain cheese pizza is a standard.  It’s predictable, but reliable.  It just cheese, sauce, and dough, but gives you the basic essentials that you need.  We can live off it and it will help us sustain us for the rest of our lives.

Now, think about eating plain cheese pizza every day for the rest of your life?  Can you do it?  Can you look at the same slice of plain cheese pizza every day for the rest of your life and eat it with the same excitement that you did the f first time you ever had it?  Would the last bite you just took taste just as good as the first.  Probably not.

So every now and again, your man goes out and gets a “slice” of pepperoni pizza.  It’s spicy and a little tastier.  It’s edgy and different.  It’s just the change we need every once in a while.  So we take a bite…

But pepperoni pizza isn’t always good.  Sometimes, it’s greasy.  Other times, the edges of the pepperoni might be burned.  The pepperoni might be too crunchy and make the entire experience a little less enjoyable.  We might not always like it, so we go back to what we know and love – plain cheese pizza.  Your man begins to think about how much he loves and appreciates the plain cheese pizza he has.  Understand?

As we kept driving, she asked, “Why can you just put some pepperoni on the plain cheese pizza if you want to spice it up?”  Because then it would never be plain cheese pizza again in our eyes, and plain cheese pizza is what we’ve always loved.  Pepperoni is good occasionally; it’s not healthy for us all the time.

And that is why men cheat…to remind us of how much we really love our plain cheese pizza.

What do you think?  Feel free to comment

Something On The Side Pt. 2 – Learn From Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.  Where do I begin?

Eldrick “Tiger” Woods has in all likelihood been caught cheating.  He has, as Kobe Bean Bryant put it, “committed the mistake of adultery.”  He hasn’t directly admitted it, but with all the talk of letting down his family and “transgressions”, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell where this is going.

Let me say first and foremost that I do not support adultery.  I’ve said in several of my past blogs that if you are going to be in a committed relationship, be in a committed relationship…

…but in case you’re one of those scandalous cats, let me tell you where Tiger f*cked up.  Now he did somethings right.  Hiding behind the hotel room door and not greeting her until she completely walked in the room and closed the door is brilliant.  But he did break a few key rules that led to his downfall.

Do Not Leave Evidence

This is Side Piece Management 101 but apparently, Eldrick missed that class.  You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, leave anything traceable that can be linked back to you.  I understand the situation he was in with the side piece’s ID showing up on his phone, but you wait until you can speak to her directly.  That other sh*t is just evidence that can be used against you.  And that can be very damaging for you.

This is even more important to the average guy.  Don’t think that you can do what Tiger is doing, rewrite the prenup, and everything will be OK.   Forbes estimated that Tiger will be worth about $1 billion by 2010.  Your money probably isn’t as long as Tigers so a prenup rewrite is not an option.  If Elin wants to get divorced and she takes half, Tiger can probably get by with $500 million.  Just guessing, but he probably won’t be getting a part-time job anytime soon to help pay the rent.  Hell, she can take 70% and Tiger wont go broke in 3 lifetimes.

If you are at a job at the Post Office making $50,000 and the ex wants half, that doesn’t paint quite as nice a picture.  Smarten up.  Stop with the voice and text messaging if you are trying to reach a side piece.  If you don’t reach her the first time, do what they did before there were voice messages – call again later.

Clear Your Phone

Putting locks and passwords on your phone just garners suspicion, so that’s not the move.  Clear your phone before you go to bed at night.  Most of us clear our phones at one time or another to save space, so that’s not foreign to your lady.  Don’t change anything about where you keep or charge your phone, but you need to clear the information you have on it regularly if you are going to have something on the side…

The Side Piece Phone

…or better yet, get another phone for extracurricular activity.  It doesnt’ have to be anything fancy; a cheap prepaid cell would probably be best so you don’t have any bills coming to the house.  That will be the number you give out to any side piece you may have.  No bills coming to the house, no contracts, no caller ID worry about.  If wifey gets suspicious, throw it in the gutter and start over again.  Keep this phone in a secret location; the kitchen is probably the best place if you are with a “modern” woman because odds are, she ain’t cookin’ anyway.

Stop Tellin’ The Side Piece Your Business

I had to bring this back from Something On The Side Part 1 because it seems like some people aren’t picking this up.  Look, the side piece knows what it is, and she knows what it isn’t, no matter what she says.  She may say things in hope that you will make her the main, but put that to rest because she’ll never be able to trust you any way; look how she got you??

Supposedly, Tiger was telling one of his side pieces, 24 year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, that she was the only other woman he was seeing besides his wife.  Bad move.  IT’S NOT THE SIDE PIECE’S BUSINESS if she’s first or last in line, how your relationship with your lady is going, or even what you ate for breakfast.   The more of your business you tell her, the more she thinks you like and trust in her and she has a chance to move up to be your main lady.

She is a side piece, and if properly managed to begin with, she will know her role.  She has you on rent whenever the two of you can get together over a nice room, fine dining, and great sex.  Tiger was giving this girl hope that she could take Elin’s place.  Eldrick is lucky that Grubbs didn’t Amy Fisher/Mary Joe Buttafuoco his wife.  You can’t set false expectations and play with the side piece’s emotions and expect for everything to be sweet.

I’m sure some other high-profile celebrity or athlete will mess up and we’ll have a part 3, so look for more soon.

Guys, in all seriousness, if you are married or in a committed relationship, stay faithful.  She’s probably a good woman and may even be the mother of your children, so hold onto what you have and value that more than some new p*ssy…

…but if you’re going to cheat, dammit, do it right.  If not, you’re f*ckin’ it up for everyone else.

Feel free to comment.