Side Piece Rules of Engagement

I was reading Single Black Male today (singleblackmale.net; a good read) and it made me think of an argument I saw not too long ago.  There were two young women and one man that looked like he’d much rather be somewhere else.  From what I could gather, one woman was the girlfriend, the other the side piece, and they were fighting over who got the right to call him their man.

I couldn’t help but think that he broke one or more of the side piece rules somewhere.   Did he make her feel too special?  Did he pour out his heart to her? I don’t know.  But he did something wrong.

But that made me think more.  If you apply the Six Sigma philosophy of the “5 Whys” (ask why 5 times and you usually get to the root cause), you get to the foundation of the matter.  If so many guys are following the side piece rules, why do so many guys get caught?

I know I addressed how to manage a side piece in one of my earlier posts (“Something On The Side”), but maybe I gave you guys too much credit.  I assumed you knew how to get a side piece the right way in the first place.

(Note: again, I do not advocate having a side piece.  If you have a monogamous relationship, stay true to it.  But if you’re going to cheat, dammit, do it right.)

If you don’t get a side piece the right way, you are setting yourself up for failure.  Just like the House of Quality (for some reason, I’m on my Six Sigma today) if you don’t have a solid foundation, the house will collapse.

So I’m going to give you 3 rules that help form the “Side Piece Rules of Engagement.”  They will guide you into getting a side piece the right way.  After that, proper management of the side piece should be a snap. As the late Biggie Smalls said,

I been in this game for year, it made me a animal

It’s rules to this sh*t, I wrote me a manual

A step-by-step booklet for you to get

Your game on track, not your wig pushed back

1 . The Rule of Opposites

Fellas, if you are going to have a side piece, you have to be willing to explore the spectrum of women out there.  Yes, you may have to go outside of your normal comfort zone or race to find a safe side piece.  You are not looking for a soul mate (that’s some bullsh*t anyway) or someone to call your lady; you already have your main girl for that.

Your side piece must be the opposite of your main girl.  If your lady is a diva that needs to get her hair and nails done every week, get a cute ass tomboy that likes sports. If your lady is an ebony soul sista, you should be looking for Pamela Anderson.

(Another note: Pamela Anderson is a fine white woman.  I’d tag that and write an article about it in Essence for all of you to read).

The reason is they are less likely to have the same interests or the same circle of friends.  Just like in math, you want to decrease the probability that Circle A will intersect with Circle B.  You might have to listen to some groups like Nickleback (actually, they’re not that bad) and go to the movies to see some stupid sh*t like Saw VI, but you probably won’t run into your girlfriend while you’re out either.

2.  “Something To Lose” Rule

Whenever possible, get a side piece that has something to lose to.  That means she is in a long-term relationship of her own or is married.  She will be less likely to catch feelings or grab your cell phone and call wifey.  Plus, she already has a man, so she is looking for something on the side herself that doesn’t have commitments.  That’s a win-win.

3.  30 Minute Rule

This rule is very important, probably the most important of any of the side piece rules. If you meet a side piece, no matter how fine she is, no matter how big her ass is, she must live at least 30 minutes away from home base. Minimum.  No one said having a side piece was going to be convenient, but again, the goal is not to get caught.  You don’t want to be out with wifey and bump into the side piece at the supermarket.

In my post “The Mission”, Greenbacker commented that he flew about 2 hours to meet an old side piece.  That’s planning for your ass right there!

You will have to take the side piece out for drinks, to a movie, etc., so you need to be smart about it.  Unless you live in rural America, there is plenty to do by your house, so you and your main lady probably stay local unless you’re planning something special.  In most cases, you probably don’t go more than 30 minutes from home base, especially if you live in or near a big city.  So local isn’t an option for having a side piece.

Another advantage is that the side piece isn’t likely drive 30 minutes from her house to make a surprise trip.  She’s likely to call first to make sure you’ll be there, so you can have your alibi ready.

Again, I don’t condone cheating, but if you have ever had an experience like ol’ boy in the argument, you’re f*ckin’ it up for everybody.  Keep these rules in your wallet and refer to them often if you’re going to have a side piece.

Feel free to comment.

Something On The Side

I’m reading a report of the text messages sent between Sahel Kazemi and Steve McNair (very sad case) as a part of the murder-suicide on July 4. First I want to say that my heart has and still does go out to the McNair’s wife and sons.  That’s a tragic case for anyone.

But in part, McNair himself is to blame for this.  He did what a lot of guys do and treated the his “side piece” like his one and only lady.

(Note: Fellas, let me say that I don’t condone cheating.  Get the “sowing your wild oats” out of your system before you get married.  Go out, do it big, and do whatever gets you up.  But once you’re married, be true to your wife and your marriage…but if you’re going to cheat, do it the right way, or dammit, don’t do it.  You’re messing it up for everyone else by giving side pieces preferred status.)

I’m not saying she should have killed him, but he definitely didn’t help himself in the situation. Whether his wife knew about it or not (how could she NOT know??), he messed up by not being honest about Kazemi’s status with him.

Supposedly, Kazemi was under the impression that McNair was getting a divorce.  Don’t tell the side action that unless you’re really planning to and if you intend on making the side piece your wife in the future.  If neither of those apply, it’s not her business how your relationship is going.  She has a choice to make, play along or walk away.

McNair was seen taking vacations with Kazemi.  What kind of crap is that?  You do not take the side action on expensive vacations.  You save those for the wife or girlfriend.  You do not boldly put your fake relationship on display for the world to see.  Keep that as discreet.  It’s a very small world and you never know who is looking and who knows who.

Also, McNair bought a black Escalade for her that was registered in both of their names.  Huh? What part of the game is that?   I don’t understand.  You do not buy the woman on the side a car! Never! It’s not like he paid an electric bill or something.  He bought a car.  If you want to give her money to fill the tank because she’s driving a distance to meet you, that’s ok, but buying her an expensive gift like that definitely sends the wrong signals.

And you definitely don’t give the side piece a key to your place.  McNair had a separate condo so it obvious he was either separated from his wife or kept it as a little bachelor pad.  Why give Kazemi a key?  When you’re not at your place, the side piece definitely shouldn’t be.  Better yet, get a cheap hotel or use a friend’s place if you can.  Either way, giving the side piece full time access to your living quarters is a very bad idea.

Most of all, be honest.  Be honest to the side piece and be honest to yourself about what this is and what this isn’t…

“Look, you know I’m married/in a relationship, but I really like your company.  If you’re comfortable with this, we can enjoy each other while we can. If you’re not comfortable with that, I understand.  I know that’s a decision you have to make so I won’t pressure you.”

Damn, how hard is that?  Be upfront and honest about it.  If she doesn’t want that, fine, you both move on and eventually, you’ll find someone that is.  Hell, she may be in the same situation you’re in.

Be honest, and most of all, keep the side piece on the side.  Damn, do I have to teach you guys everything…

Feel free to comment.