Lessons In A Winter Wonderland

A man can be inspired by a lot of things.  You never know what.  It can be a sunset, a billboard…or even the actions of a little girl.

If you’ve been watching the news lately, you know that the North Eastern states have been getting their collective asses kicked by Mother Nature. Last week, the region got over 24 inches of snow and right now, it’s getting another 24.  It’s been brutal with blankets of white coming with cold, harsh winds.

I spent part of the afternoon shoveling my car out in the blizzard; if you wait too long, the snow freezes, and you’re shoveling heavy blocks of white ice. I’d been out there for about a half hour when a little girl approached me with her own little shovel and starts digging right beside me.  She couldn’t be any older than six.  I turned to her and smiled as she swung her shovel back and forth.  She made more of a mess than anything, but she tried as hard as she could.

We’d been digging for about 10 minutes before her mother called to her to come inside. She yelled back, “Mom, I’m helping the man shovel snow.  I’ll be in in a minute.”  I turned to tell her that she should listen to her mother and go inside.

“Mister, you sure you’ll be ok with out me?  It’s a lot of snow.”

“Yes,” I chuckled,”I’ll be fine.  And thank you.”

She threw her shovel over her shoulder after a hard 10 minutes’ work and left.  But she did more work than I did all day.  Because it was genuine.  All she wanted to do was help.  She didn’t want anything for it. I offered her a few bucks as she left but she said she was just glad to help.

And as they say a good deed in infectious.  After I finished with my car, I walked over to another guy who was shoveling and helped him.  And then he in turn went to help someone else.

That little girl’s actions inspired me to help someone else.   It also made me think of why I started this blog: to tell my story and to help other people where I can.  If I can help someone be a better man, that’s a good thing.

Maybe there are some good people out there after all.  It’s sad that most of them are probably still in the first grade.

Feel free to comment.

That’s Right

I was going to put another post on here when I came across these pictures online.  There isn’t anything more manly than this.

Feel free to comment.

When You Leave Me With No Choice…

A man needs to know when to maintain his calm.  It is important not to jump to conclusion too quickly and keep cool in testy situations…

And there’s a time to act a fool.  Yes I said it.

Some people don’t understand rational behavior and logic.  There are some people you just can’t talk to, and they’re usually at the extreme ends of the spectrum:

• Incredibly stupid – They can’t process what you’re saying and it gets frustrating to talk to them
• Incredibly educated – They think they know everything everything and don’t have to listen (basically, they’re classing you as the former)

In these cases, if walking away isn’t an option, you may have to set social protocol aside and show your ass to make a point.

In a previous post, I told you that my son was in the hospital.  They were able to temporarly help with his pain, but aren’t able to find the source. We’ve been told several things from several different specialists, doctors, and nurses.  Instructions from the daytime covering physician are different from the night time physician.   And in the middle is my son, still in pain.

The doctors came into the room to discuss what type of testing we should do. One doctor would put one plan in motion while another would do some thing entirely different on the next shift.  What one nurse told my ex-wife differed from what they told me.

We tried to talk to the nurses and doctors rationally, asking all the appropriate questions and wanting explainations. What we received was the usual generic phrases followed by an air of “we’re the professionals, keep your simple asses out of the let us handle it.”  And for a while, we did.  I mean, they’re the experts, right?  They are supposed to help us.

Doctors would come in the room in huddles to poke and prod while they guessed at what the cause could be.  It seemed that no one had a clue as to what they were doing.  Finally…I had enough…

“THIS SOME BULLSH*T!  YOU MUTHAF*CKAZ BETTER GET IT RIGHT!  IT’S GONNA BE SOME PROBLEMS IF SH*T DON’T GET STRAIGHT!”

For those who know me, usually I’m a soft-spoken fellow who will try to reason with you.  I really do.  I’m an educated man.  A learned man.  But they didn’t respect that. I tried to be polite and no one wanted to listen.

Now there’s a 2000 pound gorilla in the room wishing a muthaf*cka would come out their mouth sideways.

I followed that with other things that I’d rather not say in polite company but my tirade got things moving.  The chief hospital administrator got involved and started to put things in motion.   It was explained how f*cked up our experience was and that he needed to get his people in gear. After that, he got things moving.

So I had to get “ish” and act like I had no home training.  But sh*t is getting done.

Feel free to comment.

A Nice Surprise

I’m sorry for not posting the last few days.  I’m in Chicago on business and I haven’t been able to get to Man Among Boys as often as I’d like.

When two people have been in a relationship for a long time, sometimes the love gives way to hurt and pain, and that’s when the relationship ends.  Women become more emotional, and men shield themselves and become colder.   There’s a lot of hate, but eventually, even that gives way to understanding. I have an interesting story to tell.

My son has been sick for the last few days.  He’s been impacted  and has stomach cramping severe enough that he’s gone to the hospital the last two days.  My ex-wife and I have never been able to communicate, but when it comes to anything that has to do with our son, we make due.

I had to fly out to Chicago but I wanted to stop by and see him on my way to the airport to make sure he was alright.  I knocked on the door and my ex-wife greeted me with a warm “hello”.  I replied with my usual “hey” and walked in.

I walked into the living room and made my way to the stairs to go to our son’s room. My ex-wife stopped me short and asked me if I wanted something to drink.

“Is it poisoned?”

“No, it’s not poisoned.”

Hmmm.  So she was just interested in making sure that I wasn’t thirsty.  That was strange.  She was being…nice.

For those of you who know me personally know that our relationship and marriage was very rocky to a point that we hated…I mean HATED…each other.  We have designated places for when we pick up or drop off our son because we don’t feel comfortable alone with each other.  Our son has a cell phone so he can call either of us without having to involve the other.

I’ve laid down to sleep and had dreams of watching her take a bath and throwing an electric space heater in.  For Christmas, I thought about getting on some Kill Bill 2 sh*t and giving her a huge box of money wrapped with a big bow…and when she ripped open her present, have a black mamba with a Santa hat on spring out and bite her on the neck.

But this was different. So I decided to go with it for now.

I said thanks, took the drink and headed up to my son’s room.  I kissed him on the forehead, plopped down on the bed next to him, and we played a few Xbox games until I had to head to the airport.  My ex-wife stayed in the room a little while and watched.  All three of us laughed and joked a while, which was really weird because the conversations my ex-wife and I usually have revolve around the words “f*ck you”, “b*tch”, and “drop dead” .

You could see the joy on my son’s face and he looked back and forth at us.  It almost made him feel better.

For those of you saying “Awwww, that’s so nice. They’re made for each other. They’ll get back together”, uh….NO.  There is no reconciliation.  We’re ex’s for a reason.  Our time has run its course.  Maybe we’re realizing that although we’re not good together, that doesn’t mean that we have to hate each other.  I hope she finds someone that is crazy enough to love her.  Two crazy people can stay together forever.

As I got up and made my leave, she wished me a safe trip and told me to call her and my son when I got in to let them know I got there.  Hmm, another act of concern and kindness…gotta be a full moon somewhere.

Or maybe we just turned the corner.  Even after the hurt and pain, we still have a beautiful child to care for.

We’ll see what happens the next time we meet.

Feel free to comment.

Reading, Writing, and Real Bullsh*t

It’s no secret that President Obama wants a more educated country. I think our President means what he says about wanting to overhaul education “from the cradle to a career” and has good intentions.  Obama wants to push funding for the No Child Left Behind law and make sure every child as a chance at a quality education.

Too late for that.  Just about every child was left behind a long time ago.

We’ve failed our children not because of a lack of teachers or old textbooks.  Every child can have their own tutor and brand new textbooks, but it doesn’t help if what their learning won’t help them.  The educational system we have is archaic.  It no longer serves the purpose we need it to, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we can give our kids the education they really need.

Remember when Phys Ed was an important class?  I remember I got a “B” in Algebra, and my father lectured me for 20 minutes about the importance of math.  When I pointed out the “A” I got in Phys Ed, he responded, “Any monkey can jump around.”  It just wasn’t that important anymore.

Fast forward to now.  Can you really look at your child’s report card and see classes that will really help them when they get older?  Don’t give me that bullsh*t about having a “well-rounded” child.  I’m talking about helping your children keep up with a rapidly advancing society.

My father and I debate about this all the time.  He’s an educated man, and he always talks about the value of a good traditional education.  Math, English, Science, Social Studies.  And he’d be right if this was 1960.  But as we move forward to 2010, our kids shouldn’t be looking at those old textbooks they have and asking, “When are we going to have to use this?”  We should be asking that ourselves.

Our educational system should be focused more on technology and less on the traditional courses.  Face it, we aren’t going back to the abacus or counting on our fingers. Social studies is a joke.  You’re never going to have to count that big jar of pennies you have on your dresser.  You’ll go down to your bank or local supermarket, pour it in that big coin counting machine, take your receipt, and get your dollar bills.

There are some people who say we need the traditional education in case all the computers shut down; those are the same nuts that stocked up on bottled water, duct tape, and canned peaches and locked themselves in their basement at 11:59 pm on December 31, 1999 while I was raising my champagne glass and welcoming in a New Year (I’m still laughin’ at your dumb ass on that one).

I’d like to see more courses on internet navigation, using search engines, and social media.  These aren’t just toys teenagers use to find free porn sites and talk to each other about ex-boyfriends; they are legitimate communication tools and they’re only getting bigger.  People are text messaging business communications and using Twitter to distribute their resumes.  Fifteen years ago, did you ever think that blogging would be as big as it is now?

You would have thought we would have seen this coming.  Multi-functional minicomputers we call Blackberrys and IPhones have replaced those large mobile phones you used to have to carry in a small briefcase.  Cell phones have put public payphones out of business (I haven’t seen a payphone in a while).  I haven’t met an encyclopedia salesman in a looonnnggg time.  My point is that advancements in technology have changed the game in terms of what we need to learn.  Our educational system hasn’t changed with it.

If we don’t re-educate our kids now, we’re going to have a large group of people who aren’t qualified to do much.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know there’s always going to be a need for somewhat of  a baseline traditional education, but that’s about it.

What do you think?  Answer the poll below and feel free to express your thoughts.

Happy Halloween!

Today is the day went most of the kids in America will dress up in costumes of their favorite characters they will only wear once, go out in their neighborhoods, and do what most consider a socially acceptable method of begging by saying “Trick or Treat!” to get  candy.  

It’s also a day when most parents will have to trust their children and begin to let go.

The other day, I found that I’m not cool enough to hang out with my son anymore.  He called me and asked me if it was ok if he went Trick or Treating with his friends instead of the old man this year.  He’s 10 now and I guess he’s beginning to feel his oats.

As much as it hurt me to say “yes”, I did.  I still remember the first time I took out.  He had on his little Spiderman costume and could barely say “Twick or Tweet”, but we got around to just about every house in the neighborhood.  After all that walking, he was too tired to even think about eating his candy and just went to sleep.

Dads, even though it’s hard sometimes we have to let our kids grow up.  The best thing you can arm them with is common sense and a set of rules to go by.  Drill these into your kids head before you let them go out.

• Give you child your cell phone (or if they have their own, make sure it’s charged).  Call them every once in a while to make sure they’re ok and that they’re staying in the neighborhood.  Let them know that if they don’t answer the phone or don’t call back right away, Trick or Treat is over and you’ll come looking  for them to make sure they’re safe.

• Establish the Trick or Treat route they are to take.  No sidestreets or unknown areas.

• Tell all of the kids to stay together as a group.  They all go on the porch, they all come off.  No one goes up alone.

• Under no circumstances is anyone to go into anyone’s house.  I don’t care if one of the kids knows the parent at the door or not.

• No candy is to be eaten while they’re out Trick or Treating. When they get home, inspect all candy with a flashlight (if there are any pins or blades, they will shine in the light).  I knew of a kid that bit into a Snickers bar while they were out and got cut up with pins.

If this is your child’s first time going out alone, let them know that this is a big step and that you are trusting them to make the right decisions while they’re out.  This will give them a sense of responsiblity.

And don’t be cheap and cut the lights out when kids come to your door.  Have a heart.

Happy Halloween.

Feel free to comment.

The Sins Of The Father

I have an interesting story to tell.

This past weekend, I took my son to Great Adventure for Fright Fest.  The park is decked out for Halloween and the staff get dressed like ghouls and goblins and tries to scare the living daylights out of you.

We got on the Superman ride with these two young white kids.  They couldn’t have been older than 13.  They said “hi” as the carriage the four of us were in lifted us into the air and took off.

As we dipped, turned and twisted through the air (I hate rollercoasters), I heard a very loud and unnerving noise…

“JIGGABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

I turned to my right and the young white teenager next to me was screaming at the top of his lungs, lips puckered up…

“JIGGABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

I was in disbelief.  My son and I were sitting right next to him and he’s saying this.  This young punk.  I figured the best course of action was to grit my teeth and get through the ride.

(If you haven’t figured it out, yes, I’m African-American.  My son is African-American and Puerto-Rican.  I call him my “Bor-Negro.”)

As the ride slowed down towards the end, I turned to Eminem’s stunt double and asked him, “Young man, why would you say that?”

“Say what….jiggaboo?”, he replied.

“Yes,” I continued.  “You know what that means??”

To quote a Talib Kweli lyric, “the question was rhetorical, the answer is horrible…”

“No, I don’t’ know what it means.  I just hear my dad say it a lot and I thought it was a cool sounding word.”

Now, I was no longer mad at the little boy.  I was mad at his father.  His father thought it acceptable to say those kind of words in front of his son.  If you’re ignorant enough to say that in front of him, at least be man enough to tell him what it means so your son doesn’t look like an ass in public.  Be man enough to let your son know that you don’t have the intelligence to judge a man by the “content of his character” and that you probably don’t’ have the “testicular fortitude” to say that to someone’s face.

I told the young man that was a horrible, offensive word.  He instantly apologized.  At that point, I honestly believed, and still believe that he wasn’t being hurtful.  He really didn’t know.

It just so happens when we exited the ride, his father was waiting for him outside.  My son and I waved goodbye as we saw his son ask, “Dad, what’s a jiggaboo?”  His father turned as pale as a ghost and caught my eye staring at him, waiting for the answer.

My moment was interrupted by my own sin.  My son looked up and asked me “Dad, what’s a jiggaboo?”

My sin was for a different reason.  My little boy was getting older (he’s 10) and I’ve tried to protect him, so I’d never really told him how cold people can be when it comes to race.  I can’t protect him forever, even though I’d like to.

I needed to man up.

I wasn’t going to let this ruin our night, and I knew that if I didn’t tell him, he’d be wondering about it the whole time we were there.  So I told him.

He stood there for a minute and thought.  And as I had to grab him by the arm and pull him back (“I’ll be right back, Dad.  I’ma go smack the chap off his lips”), I told him that if you spend all of your time fighting people like that, you’ll be fighting for the rest of your life.  If they put their hands on you, beat em’ like they owe you money, but don’t people like that get to you.

He smiled, gave me a hug, and we starting walking towards another ride.  I took a look back at the young white boy, and I started to feel sorry for him in a way.  The sins of  his father’s ignorance would be passed onto another generation.

And we wonder why things won’t get better.

What are your thoughts?  Feel free to comment.

Child Rearing

I heard an interesting radio commercial while driving.  It addresses the out of control behavior in children and how to fix it.

James Lehman, MSW and behavioral therapist, was promoting his Total Transformation Program.  He stressed how families are in turmoil more than ever because of their child’s behavior.  He said that his process is proven to work with any child, no matter who ill-behaved the child, in 30 seconds.

I couldn’t help but think, “My mother could be a millionaire right now.  She has a proven method of changing a child’s behavior too.”  My mother’s method might be a little different than the one I heard on the radio.  The Total Transformation Program references talk therapy and reinforcement.  Let’s just say that my mother was more of the strong and silent type.  Her reinforcement was a lightning-fast backhand to the lips.

Talk therapy was, “You’ll act right because 1) you know it’s the right thing to do, or 2) because I’ll whip your ass every time you don’t.”  Given those options, acting right and getting good grades were a reasonable alternative.

My father never had to say anything. The “look” was enough.  That alone put a stop to anything you were doing right then a there.

When I got home, I looked his program up on the internet.  The front page of his website has the following passage:

“Are you struggling with a child who is disrespectful, obnoxious or even abusive toward you? Are you frustrated and exhausted from arguing constantly? Do you “walk on eggshells” around your child, avoiding conflicts that will “set him off?” Have you tried screaming, punishing, pleading, and negotiating and your child still walks all over you?”

I kind of smiled a bit and reminisced on a few times that my behavior got out of line and my parents, to put it mildly, helped steer me in the right direction.  But it also makes me wonder if we gone too far in the other direction when it comes to parenting? As a society, are we afraid to be parents?  Have we lost control of our kids?

My answer to that is yes we have.  So it’s time to man up and take control back.

I can see why we’ve moved away from some of the old parenting habits.  Some of them could be considered abuse.  No child should ever have to pull the “switch” they’re going be beaten with from a tree and get hit so hard and so many times that the skin breaks.  Years ago, that was common place.

We’ve done a complete 180 from that.  The beatings we used to fear have been replaced with “time out.”  Honestly, I don’t know that we’re any better off for it.  Generally, children are defiant and have no fear of their parents.  They are more afraid of getting their PSP taken away than of the true consequences of their actions.  Today’s kids (my own included) have an entitlement mentality.  We have to break that mentality.  But what’s the best way to do it?

I don’t know about you, but if I have to choose between old school parenting and new school, I’m old school like shell-top Adidas and furry Kangols.  One difference between me and a lot of men is that I’m not afraid to be a parent, up to and including whipping my son’s backside if necessary.  Damn Family Services.  Damn em’.

I don’t make deals with my son.  There is no time out or go to the corner.  I don’t pay for good grades.  You’ll do what I told you to because I’m your father.  It’s my responsibility to look out for your best interests, and that means administering discipline when necessary.

I refuse to lose him because I was afraid to do my job.  If that means I have break my foot off in his behind from time to time, so be it.

I don’t have a problem with the Total Transformation Program…I have a problem with the fact that it has to exist.  Any time a child’s behavior is such an issue that we need to create special products and programs for it, the child’s behavior might not be the issue.

It might be ours.

Fellas, man up.  Be a father to your child.  You can be his friend when he has children of his own.

What are your thoughts?  Feel free to comment.

Winners and Losers

Fellas, we have to stop lying to our kids.  We have to stop sugar coating things and tell them the truth.  There are winners and losers in life.  That’s just the way it goes.

I was at one of my son’s martial arts tournaments a little while ago and overheard a parent talking to her son before his match.  She gave him a big hug and told him as long as he tried his best, everything would be ok.

The little boy went onto the mat and proceeded to get his ass handed to him.  Wasn’t even close.  As he ran off the mat bursting into tears, his mom ran over to him, gave him a big hug, and told him that as long as he had fun, that’s all that mattered.

That was one of the worse cases of parenting I’ve ever seen.  Horrible.  No excuse for it.

When did it become ok to be second rate?  When did we stop telling out kids the truth?  Our children depend on us to be their teachers and confidants as they grow up.  There are winners and losers, man up and accept it.

In life, not everyone gets a trophy just for taking part (another pet peeve of mine) .  Not everyone gets to be a winner all the time. It may take a little extra effort; that “trying your best” stuff will only lead to disappointment.

The world rates us in many things.  We are measured against each other in almost every facet of our lives, from job performance appraisals to college entrance exams.  If there weren’t winners and losers, there wouldn’t be standards.  Everyone would just get a “Tried Their Best” all the way down their report card.  Everyone would make every sports team they tried out for just because they showed up.  Mediocre would be the “in thing.”  There would be no incentive to try to be the best because you wouldn’t have to.

I remember reading a story about a girls’ high school basketball team in Dallas, TX.  The Covenant School beat their opponent, Dallas Academy, 100-0.  You read that correctly, 100-0.  Dallas Academy did not score a single point.  The Covenant School actually forefit the win and fired the coach.  What kind of crap is that??

Why did they forfeit the win?  What kind of lesson does that teach the girls at Covenant?  “Success and being the best is a bad thing?”  And what about the lesson that teaches the girls at Dallas Academy. “You can be subpar and not measure up.  Someone will be there to bail you out?”

And you wonder why we have a nation of C students.  That’s what we’re teaching them to be.

Sometimes, just trying isn’t good enough.  It’s best to let our children know that now before they grow up and find that life may not work out the way they want it to, even when they do their best.  They may actually have to put in extra effort to measure up.

You candy asses out there need to man up and teach your kids the way the real world works.  Better they learn now from someone who loves them than from someone who doesn’t give a damn and will just tell them, “Oh well. Sucks to be you.”

Back to the martial arts tournament.  My son had the next match.  He looked at me, smiled, and said “I’m ready.”  I told him I wanted to go in there, kick butt…and win.  Yes, win.  And he did.

After a few matches, he lost.  He was disappointed.  I put my arm around him and told him that everyone loses at something at one time or another, and that the most important thing was to learn from his loss. I told him that he wouldn’t be getting a trophy because he didn’t advance far enough in the tournament.

Then I asked him how losing felt.  With a tear in his eye, he replied, “It sucks.”  He also told me that he didn’t like the way losing felt, and that he would work harder to become better so he wouldn’t have to lose again.  He told me he wanted to win.

Lesson learned.

Feel free to comment.