If Not Me, Then Who?

I was at a dinner party this a few weeks with some former co-workers and old friends.  We had a few drinks, sat around and started talking sh*t about all the world’s problems, one of which being…men.  Not the typical-woman-man-hating-wanting-to-castrate men but more asking where have all the real men gone.  We started jumping from dating to education to fashion, and skinny jeans came up…

…so you know I jumped all on that.  And if you have to guess which side of the issue I stand on, you are not TrueMan Approved and should leave this blog now.

Our host disagreed with my views and said that it was just fashion and who was I to question what was “manly.”

I wanted to say, “Who am I??!  Who am I?!!  Dammit, I’m TrueMan, the standard to which other men are measured, and if anything I’ve said about skinny jeans offends anyone on the face of the planet, then take them out ya gotdamn closet and burn them!”

However, I kept it simple…”If not me…then who?”

There have to be bare minimums.  There have to be standards.  There have to be degrees of what a man does and what a man doesn’t do.  And there has to be someone to enforce them.  That’s where I come in…

There has to be someone to stand up for truth, justice, and the manly way.  And since no one has stood up to say things like men wearing silk scarfs, skinny jeans, and most important, anything associated with Kanye West are not manly, then dammit, I’ll step into the phone booth, change in TrueMan, and fly off to combat unmanliness wherever I see it.

A man will stand up for his belief, even if no one will stand up with him.  So dammit, I’m standing up against skinny jeans.

To my fellow men reading this blog, I ask you…who will stand with me?

Feel free to comment.

Baby Ballers

New Year’s Eve is coming up, and I’m starting to make my plans for the holiday.  I like to travel with friends and go to a party or two and bring in the new year upbeat.  I try to start each year anew and learn from my successes and failures of the last year.

For the last few years, I’ve gone to Atlanta (Note: I love Atlanta.  The people are friendly and you can’t throw a rock without hitting a gentlemen’s club or two).  I was talking with one of my best friends who lives there about last year’s festivities.

I remember a club we went to and some interesting characters we met.  There were a group of young men we called the “baby ballers.”  About eight of them, and none were taller than 5’8″.  They were a bunch of Kanye West wannabees, and if you know anything about how I feel about Kanye West, that’s not a compliment (see my post “Damn You Kanye West“).

Anyway you couldn’t tell these fools they weren’t the sh*t as they strolled through the crowd with their velvet blazers and scarfs to the crowded back area.

My boy and I started laughing at these fools the minute we laid eyes on them.  These guys were doing everything wrong, but you could tell they were so full of themselves and so full of sh*t that you could have given them “Meeting Women For Dummies” and it wouldn’t have helped.

They proceeded to post up in the pseudo VIP (that’s the table as far in the back as possible next to the actual VIP section), wave their scarfs in the air, look down over their shades, and show their collective asses for the rest of the night.  The problem is that I’ve seen this too often, and it’s time I intervened.  You “baby ballers” are not only embarrassing yourselves and your parents, you are embarrassing me.

So, for all of you “baby ballers” out there, you need a grown man to set you straight.  Let me give you a few tips:

• Don’t wear shades in the club.  You look like an idiot.  It’s already dark and you keep bumping into people because you can’t see.

• Feel free to order champagne and party all night but don’t draw attention to yourselves by holding up your bottle of champagne with the label sticking out for all to see.  You only make it clear that you aren’t used to drinking it.

• …especially if the eight of you have to share one bottle and sip your glass like it’s a bottle of Evian in the Sahara desert.  And when the bottle’s empty, ask your server to take it away.  You look like idiots when you pass an empty champagne bottle around to each other and take pictures with it like you’re really doing something.

• Think of a good way to introduce yourself to a woman.  Something that says you have character and half a brain.  Here’s an idea, how about “Hi, my name is (insert here).  I saw you from across the room and wanted to come meet you.  What’s your name? It’s nice to meet you.”  I’ve actually heard a young man introduce himself with the line  “HEY BABY, WASSUP WIT CHO P*SSY?” To call that ignant (yes, I said “ignant”; that’s a new level of ignorant) is an understatement.

• Don’t throw a wad of money in the air.  It’s immature and makes you look like a clown.  It makes you look even more stupid when its a wad of $1 bills.

• Leave a tip!  A gratuity.  If you can look like you can afford to buy champagne, you can look like you can afford to tip your server.  Saying “That’s the job they chose, why should I tip?” is a sorry excuse.

Come to think of it, I have a better idea.  Stop trying to be a baller.  A real man doesn’t have to show off.  It’s time for your to grow up.  Become a man among boys.

Feel free to comment.

Dress The Part

Hello, everyone.  I’m back.  This time I’m focusing on fashion, because you guys need some help. Trust me on this. I took a break last night and went out to the casino for a quick Hold ‘Em tournament.  Sitting across the table from me was a man who had on a baseball cap with a wave cap on, a throwback jersey, and his jeans sagging so low you could see his boxers.  The problem is he had to be at least 40.

You have to realize that life is not a rap video.  You can’t sag your jeans all the time.  You can’t wear a 6X white t-shirt when you’re only 5’8″ and expect to be taken seriously.  And no matter how many times you’ve seen it, Air Jordans do not go with dress pants.

Have you ever seen the movie “Hitman”? Agent 47 (played by Timothy Olyphant) was a smooth cat, dressed to the nines.  If a man who makes his living shooting at people and throwing them in the trunk of his car knows the value of a suit and tie, you can at least have one in your closet.

About 6 years ago, I was working for a fortune 500 company in the Philadelphia area.  There were very few minorities in management positions, so we were a pretty close-knit bunch.  We tried to mentor some, as many people as we could, but some guys are just hard-headed.

I remember this guy named “D”.  “D” was a pretty smart guy and had a future, but there were just some things he didn’t get.

He he said I wasn’t “keepin’ it real” , called me a “sellout” and told me I forgot where I came from.  He said this because I pulled him to the side and told that having a nice white dress shirt, a silk tie, and dress pants did not make his Timberland boots suitable office attire.

Based on my experience, there are a few things every man needs to have in his clothing arsenal:

Suits

This is a no-brainer.   Two at minimum, one navy blue, one charcoal grey. No yellow 12 button Steve Harvey specials.  No coats that make you look like  you’re trying to remake a Zapp video.  Two single breast, three button suits.  That’s all I’m asking for.

Solid long-sleeved dress shirts

With a suit you should wear white and baby blue shirts only.  And they have to be long sleeved shirts, unless you work the register at McDonald’s.  Save your yellows and pinks for casual days outside of the workplace (however, I’d question a pink shirt at any time).  French cuffs are acceptable on occasion. That brings me to…

Cuff Links

Something conservative. No dice.  No large diamonds that draw attention.  No links that look like spinning rims (yes, they do make those and I’ve seen fools wearing them).

A Watch

I know that in the days of Blackberry’s and Ipods with clocks on them that we rarely use a watch, but they really are a great accessory.  No bling. No diamonds around the face.  If you want a higher end watch that says class, Tag Heuer, Cartier, and Omega are all nice.  Or even a pocketwatch.  But don’t get it twisted; I’ve seen a $60 Fossil with more style than those gaudy TechnoMarine “shinin’ in ya face” wrist pieces.

Dress shoes

If you can spend $200 on a pair of tennis shoes or Timberlands, you can spend the same (or less) on a nice pair of dress shoes.  Cap toes, oxfords, wingtips, and dress boots are all nice and will go with a suit.  Choose something comfortable that says style.

Jeans

Here is my sleeper.  Every man should have a few pair of nice fitting jeans he can wear out.  You can switch up a nice pair of  jeans with a blazer or even one of your suit jackets.  Iron them or take them to the cleaners.  I actually like the term “denim pants” better because people will actually think about taking the wrinkles out of them before they wear them.

A few years ago, I have to admit that Kanye West wore the blazer/jeans style well.  It was a good look for young men.  Then he got on that leather pants/Liz Claiborne scarf sh*t and took it to the left (wish we could kick his ass to the left).

Hint:  If  you can put your jeans on without a belt and they fall to the floor around your ankles, they’re too big for you.

Now here are some things a man shouldn’t have in his wardrobe:

• Skinny jeans – I’m putting the worst offender first.  Under no circumstances should any man have a pair of skinny jeans in his closet.  You are a man.  You guys think I’m kidding but I’m going to start slappin’ any man I see with some tight ass jeans on.  It’s not manly.

• Rows and rows of Jerseys – No man should have too many jerseys.  What are you, 14?  A jersey for each of your favorite sports teams is ok, but to have rows and rows is unacceptable.  Grow up.

• Leather Pants – Unless you’re a professional wrestler, I can’t think of a reason any self-respecting man would have a pair of leather pants in his closet.  If you can think of one, let me know.  Then when I smack the sh*t out of you for even trying to come up with a reason for it, tell me how that feels.

• Long Black Trenchcoat – Unless you’re planning to be in a low-budget remake of “The Matrix”, take this out of your closet and burn it.

I’m not being hard on you, fellas.  I’m just trying to help you out.  If you’re going to be a man, you have to dress the part.  You don’t have to wear a suit all the time, but having your pants sagging off your ass all the time isn’t grown up.  There’s no law against wearing a dress shirt when you go out either.

It’s time to man up.

Damn You Kanye

America is becoming a little less manly every day, and in large part, I blame this man…

He is the modern day “anti-man.”

This so called “role model” to young men everywhere as corrupted with his so-called fashion sense and attitude.

I want to slap a kid every time I see him with a pair of skinny jeans and a glove, but instead, I should fly to Chicago and slap Kanye West.

I was shopping with my son one day looking for clothes for him when I jokingly picked up a pair of women’s jeans and said he can have those.  The store associate helping us asked what his size was and what color we’d like.

I looked back at her like she was crazy when she said she thought I was serious.  Then she told me that young boys and teens have been coming in by the dozens and buying womens’ skinny jeans to wear.  Women’s skinny jeans. Got damn women’s skinny jeans.

Now I’m not saying that I want my son’s jeans to be hanging half way off his behind and that he has to wear a 6X t-shirt, but c’mon! Women’s jeans! Am I the only one that sees something wrong with that??

And don’t even get me started on his actions at the VMA Awards.  That’s not how a man should act.  Always whining and crying about something like he’s five years old.  If one of Taylor Swift’s country cousins would have jumped out of the audience and whupped Kanye’s ass for his little stunt, he’d have no one to blame but himself.  And I would have cheered.

I know Kanye was very close to his mother before she passed, but it seems like he sucked on her teet into his 20′s. 

And I dare Kanye to walk up to me and say something about this if we ever meet.  If a man that wears tight jeans, bright red sneakers, and shutter shades can kick my ass, I need to hang it up.

Kanye, do the world a favor.  Do the young men who look up to you a favor. Do yourself a favor.

Man up.