New Years 2010: Brand New Year..Same Ole Sh*t

Happy New Year!  Welcome to 2010!  I hope that you all had a memorable New Year’s experience, no matter what you did. I just got back from Atlanta.  For New Year’s Eve, I went to an upscale party at the Ritz Carlton Buckhead across from the Lenox mall.  It was nice.  I did all the typical things, dance, sip champagne, laugh, joke, and people watch.  I don’t know if I’ll do the big party scene again, but the time I spent with friends made it worth the trip.

(For those of you wondering, YES, I did hit the strip club the night before.)

My trip also taught me that you guys still need help.  I saw a lot of unmanly things.  A LOT of unmanly things.  I tried to take pictures but they weren’t clear, but if they were, I’d have them on this post and putting a lot of people to shame.

There were a few “guys” I met or saw at the party that I’d like to introduce you too.  They did a lot of unmanly stuff that I hoped we’d put to rest in 2009, but it’s a brand new year…same ole sh*t…

Mr. Too Cool

I talked about this before but it seems that Mr. Too Cool still wants to wear (fake) designer sunglasses indoors.  No one should wear shades in the club or any dark room unless you got punched in the eye and are covering it up.  And if you’re juvenile enough to still be fighting, you shouldn’t have been at this party.

Farnsworth, I mean..Foolsworth Bentley

Pulling a cheap suit out the closet and adding a large, ridiculous bowtie and a cummerbund does not a tuxedo make.  Trying to jazz it up by wearing bright, sparkly,white shoes with it is just sad.  For some reason, when they sparkled it made me think of The Wizard Of Oz…”I wish I was home.”

I wish you stayed home.

Mr. Tough Guy

Speaking of fighting, the tough-guy-in-front-of-your-woman act is really old, but some guys still do it.  Fellas, you don’t have to fight every time something “happens” to your lady.  I was drinking a bottle of water that my friend knocked over. A little of the water splashed on a lady standing a few feet from me.  She was understandingly shocked at first, but I assured her it was just water and apologized.

Then, after the situation was diffused, her knucklehead husband/boyfriend/jumpoff stepped to me with his chest out asking “Yo, why you gotta spill water on my girl?” I apologized to him, said it was an ACCIDENT, and assured him it was water.  I extended my hand to him and wished him a happy new year.  A lesser man would have handed him his ass…but it’s not worth it.  That’s the kind of stuff that gets guys embarrassed or worse.  If you want to embarrass yourself, it’s a free country, but you’re not going to embarrass me.

Boo Boo Da Fool version 2010

What is it with you knuckleheads and bottles of alcohol?  Do you just naturally try to embarrass yourselves, or do you practice in front of a mirror?

There was a guy holding two bottles of Grey Goose wearing a pimp hat dancing and shaking his bottles like he was doing something.  That was only surpassed by another fool dancing with an empty champagne bottle and actually asked a woman if she wanted a drink.

Mr…Honestly, I Don’t Know What To Say

Lastly, no matter how many Y chromosomes you claim to have, dancing while waving sparklers and spinning ya dumb ass around like a top is the most unmanly thing I’ve seen in a while.  I’d continue on this one, but I have not the words.  Definitely not TrueMan approved.

If after reading this you have to question if you were any of these “men” during the holiday…you probably were.

Cut that sh*t out!  Man up!

Feel free to comment.

Welcome To 2010…Ready or Not

Evening, all.  By the time you read this, I’ll have made my annual trek to Atlanta to celebrate New Years Eve.  I love Atlanta.  I have some good friends there and the party scene is just what I need to end a very trying 2009.  I’m going to go out tonight and pop a few bottles with some friends, and maybe even make some new ones.  You know, cut loose a little bit and act a fool…within reason, of course.

This year was troubling, but I did get a few things accomplished.  I was able to move on and put the past behind me, as you’ve read in some of my posts.  I started this blog to reach out to people and tell what men are all about.  I was able to refocus and get back to doing ME.  I guess those are a few good things.

We all talk about making New Year’s resolutions as if they are going to be the gateway to some magical new lifestyle.  Some people believe in them, some people don’t.  I’m not going to debate with you about whether they work or not.  As Henry Ford said, “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”

I’ve decided it’s time to make a change.  Not the type of hopeful, Obama change, but the type of real, soul-searching change what will decide my future and what I’ll do moving forward (Note:  Get it in gear, Mr. President.  We need to see more of the change you promised in 2010.)

That brings me to my New Year’s resolution that I’m going to make, my change.  I’m going to live by a quote I was taught by a supervisor I used to work under, Mr. Wingate.  When I was in college, I worked at the state’s central branch of the Post Office loading bulk containers onto trucks.  Whenever you told him you couldn’t be done, you got the same answer from him…

“I can’t accept can’t.”

Somehow, I’d forgotten that I.  I’d changed from the cocky, young SOB who wasn’t afraid to try anything to a guy who was more timid.  F*** that.  I can’t be that guy anymore.  I’m not that guy anymore.  So that’s my resolution for 2010, to live by ”I can’t accept can’t.”

(That and “That’s not puttin’ chips in my pocket, pat-naaaa!”  Shout out to Freeman.  If you haven’t checked out his site, take a look at Rise And Grind ( www.riseandgrind.com).  It’s a good read.)

I’d be interested to hear about your resolutions.  What changes are you making for the New Year?  And why aren’t you starting them now?

So go out tonight, party, dance, sip some champagne or grape juice for my 21 and under friends, and have a great time.  But get home safe.

Have a Happy New Year.  Feel free to comment.

Is Dating A Socially Acceptable Form Of Prostitution?

We’re going to go back to the mountains for this one…

My friend and I were at the lounge again having a drink (that’s all there really was to do at the resort) and engaging in another long discussion about life, politics, and other bullsh*t half-drunk people talk about.  This conversation happened to be about dating.

She asked me “why do guys feel like you should get sex for taking a woman to dinner?  What happened to being a gentleman?  You act like you’re paying for p*ssy.”

Half-jokingly I replied, “That’s because we are.”

I gave a chuckle and thought back to an episode of “The Boondocks” that I saw (funny sh*t).  Granddad was taking a prostitute out to dinner and Riley and Huey were debating if the girl was a ho because Granddad was paying.

• Huey: “You’re not paying her.  You’re paying the restaurant.”
• Riley: “But I’m payin’, and if I’m payin’, she’s a ho.”

That begs the question: Are the traditional dating rules just a socially acceptable form of prostitution?

I’m not saying that any woman that lets a guy take her out on the town is a prostitute.  What I’m saying is you compared dating and the adult film industry, dating would be like soft porn and the XXX stuff prostitution.  Not a direct match, but both show some skin and the general movements are the same.

Guys will take a young lady out to enjoy her company, get to know her, and share a good time…in hopes of having sex in the (hopefully, not too distant) future; let’s just be real – we grown folks in here.  The two will talk over dinner and directly or indirectly “negotiate” what will happen.  Terms can be discussed (standard, oral,…anal) and depending on how good the conversation and dinner are, the guy might receive the services he’s “paid” for.

Short version:  fellas, you’re paying for it…whether it’s dinner and a movie or a quick romp in the back seat of your car from a “professional  woman.”

It shouldn’t be seen like that, but that’s how it is.  I won’t mislead you with Steve Harvey or Oprah-like tip toeing around the issue.  Ladies, please don’t get offended.  Fellas, don’t act like you’ve never had this conversation with your boys in barbershops and sports bars in just about every city in America.  I’ve been involved in a lot of conversations with fellas about this very subject.  Often times it ends with a guy saying that he’d be perfectly fine just giving the girl the money and having sex rather than pay for dinner and a movie and play “cat and mouse” in HOPES of having sex later.

When did this dating shift happen?  Is it because of the perceived value women place on money?  The perceived value men place on sex?

Should we add another rule to The Rules of Dating that unless a woman is willing to have sex, the two should split the bill?  Ladies, do you do that already, just to make sure there’s no misunderstanding if you’re definitely not interested in sex?  Just something to think about.

Back to the lounge.  We were ready to leave so I asked for the check.  As I reached for my wallet, she snatched the check from my hand, pulled out some cash and gave it to our server.

She winked at me and said, “I’m payin’…so you know what you gotta do when we get back to the room.”

Treated me like a $2 ho.  That’s just wrong

Feel free to comment.

Show Some Pride

This post will be short because:

1. a picture says 1000 words
2. I shouldn’t have to tell grown men to give their all in what they do.

Part of being a man is to be proud in one’s work and to give your best effort at all times.  Therefore, I must give the Chicago Bulls effort against the Toronto Raptors on December 5th a vote of “Just Not Manly”.  Their play was not TrueMan approved.

It isn’t because they lost by 32 points.  That happens sometimes; you win some, you lose some.  Sometimes you lose big because the other team was that much better than you on that given night.

However, effort is something entirely different.  I don’t care how badly you beat me or how bad the situation is, you’re going to know you’ve been in a fight.  That’s why when I saw this from Saturday nights effort against the Toronto Raptors I was shocked.

Yes, the game was well in hand, and the Bulls were going to lose, but to allow someone to bend over and tie their shoes during the game is unacceptable. At least run up and guard him and try to steal the ball.  Try to salvage something from this night that you can hold your head up high about.

This is something that not only applies in sports but in life.  It applies in your work, your relationships, your hustle, your dreams.  Like Kanye West says in his song Champion, “To me givin’ up’s way harder than tryin’.”

(Note: That is probably the first and last positive reference you’ll see me give to Kanye West.  Mark the date).

If you’re lax in some things, you’re probably lax in all.  At least try and act like you care.  At least try and act like you want to win, no matter what the final score says.

Chicago Bulls…it’s time to man up.

Something On The Side Pt. 2 – Learn From Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods. Tiger, Tiger, Tiger.  Where do I begin?

Eldrick “Tiger” Woods has in all likelihood been caught cheating.  He has, as Kobe Bean Bryant put it, “committed the mistake of adultery.”  He hasn’t directly admitted it, but with all the talk of letting down his family and “transgressions”, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell where this is going.

Let me say first and foremost that I do not support adultery.  I’ve said in several of my past blogs that if you are going to be in a committed relationship, be in a committed relationship…

…but in case you’re one of those scandalous cats, let me tell you where Tiger f*cked up.  Now he did somethings right.  Hiding behind the hotel room door and not greeting her until she completely walked in the room and closed the door is brilliant.  But he did break a few key rules that led to his downfall.

Do Not Leave Evidence

This is Side Piece Management 101 but apparently, Eldrick missed that class.  You do not, I repeat, DO NOT, leave anything traceable that can be linked back to you.  I understand the situation he was in with the side piece’s ID showing up on his phone, but you wait until you can speak to her directly.  That other sh*t is just evidence that can be used against you.  And that can be very damaging for you.

This is even more important to the average guy.  Don’t think that you can do what Tiger is doing, rewrite the prenup, and everything will be OK.   Forbes estimated that Tiger will be worth about $1 billion by 2010.  Your money probably isn’t as long as Tigers so a prenup rewrite is not an option.  If Elin wants to get divorced and she takes half, Tiger can probably get by with $500 million.  Just guessing, but he probably won’t be getting a part-time job anytime soon to help pay the rent.  Hell, she can take 70% and Tiger wont go broke in 3 lifetimes.

If you are at a job at the Post Office making $50,000 and the ex wants half, that doesn’t paint quite as nice a picture.  Smarten up.  Stop with the voice and text messaging if you are trying to reach a side piece.  If you don’t reach her the first time, do what they did before there were voice messages – call again later.

Clear Your Phone

Putting locks and passwords on your phone just garners suspicion, so that’s not the move.  Clear your phone before you go to bed at night.  Most of us clear our phones at one time or another to save space, so that’s not foreign to your lady.  Don’t change anything about where you keep or charge your phone, but you need to clear the information you have on it regularly if you are going to have something on the side…

The Side Piece Phone

…or better yet, get another phone for extracurricular activity.  It doesnt’ have to be anything fancy; a cheap prepaid cell would probably be best so you don’t have any bills coming to the house.  That will be the number you give out to any side piece you may have.  No bills coming to the house, no contracts, no caller ID worry about.  If wifey gets suspicious, throw it in the gutter and start over again.  Keep this phone in a secret location; the kitchen is probably the best place if you are with a “modern” woman because odds are, she ain’t cookin’ anyway.

Stop Tellin’ The Side Piece Your Business

I had to bring this back from Something On The Side Part 1 because it seems like some people aren’t picking this up.  Look, the side piece knows what it is, and she knows what it isn’t, no matter what she says.  She may say things in hope that you will make her the main, but put that to rest because she’ll never be able to trust you any way; look how she got you??

Supposedly, Tiger was telling one of his side pieces, 24 year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, that she was the only other woman he was seeing besides his wife.  Bad move.  IT’S NOT THE SIDE PIECE’S BUSINESS if she’s first or last in line, how your relationship with your lady is going, or even what you ate for breakfast.   The more of your business you tell her, the more she thinks you like and trust in her and she has a chance to move up to be your main lady.

She is a side piece, and if properly managed to begin with, she will know her role.  She has you on rent whenever the two of you can get together over a nice room, fine dining, and great sex.  Tiger was giving this girl hope that she could take Elin’s place.  Eldrick is lucky that Grubbs didn’t Amy Fisher/Mary Joe Buttafuoco his wife.  You can’t set false expectations and play with the side piece’s emotions and expect for everything to be sweet.

I’m sure some other high-profile celebrity or athlete will mess up and we’ll have a part 3, so look for more soon.

Guys, in all seriousness, if you are married or in a committed relationship, stay faithful.  She’s probably a good woman and may even be the mother of your children, so hold onto what you have and value that more than some new p*ssy…

…but if you’re going to cheat, dammit, do it right.  If not, you’re f*ckin’ it up for everyone else.

Feel free to comment.

Treat Her Like A Lady?

Sometimes I have to address the ladies.  Fellas, I’m sure you can relate to this one, but ladies, pay attention.

I was hanging out with a few friends at a bar not too long ago, just letting off some steam on a Saturday night over a few drinks.  It’s a neighborhood dive and it’s a little ghetto, but the music is decent and the drinks are cheap.

I like to people watch.  I’m a people watcher.  As I look across the dance floor, I’m beginning to think that you can tell a lot about a woman over the kind of music she listens to. Maybe I’m putting too much stock into that but I don’t think I’m too far off.

This garbage rap song comes on and the women rush the dance floor, some screaming, “Gurl, that’s my song!”  The chorus goes:

“I know a lil’ freak, in in Hollywood, Sucks on d*ck, does it does it real good

I know a lil’ freak, in in Hollywood, Sucks on d*ck, does it does it real good

I long d*ck her like UGH UGH UGH, I long d*ck her like UGH UGH UGH,”

And the women in the place are singing along like UGH UGH UGH, making thrusting motions, and smacking each other on the ass.  They’re getting it in like they’re shooting the video for this sad ass song.

The only thing I could think was “I feel sorry for the poor bastard that picks a wife out of this sorry group of harlots.”

Now if a man ran up to one of these hoes and asked her “WHAT’S UP WITCHO PUSSY?”, she’d be offended, saying that she’s a woman and should be respected…but two seconds ago, she had her girlfriend bent over givin’ it to her hard and singing along about how her head game is so good.

B*tch please.

If you want me to treat you like a woman, act like one.  Don’t run around the bar with your titties poppin’ out screaming “I long d*ck her like UGH UGH UGH”.  You can bet if a guy asks you to dance while you’re talking about the good head you give, he isn’t thinking that you’re an intellectual and that he might take you home to meet Mom one day.

Trust me, the fellas are not trying to turn hoes into housewives.

My question is where did the ladies run off too? When did women like Anita Baker and Melissa Morgan get replaced by Lil’ Kim and Trina? (I admit though, I had the Lil’ Kim “Hardcore” album cover poster).  And when the f*ck did we think it was good thing?

I wish I could say it’s a sign of the times, but I can’t. I remember back in the mid 90′s, we use to go to this bar not too far from school.  The DJ would put on a certain record and all the girls would rush the dance floor screaming:

“Put it in my mouthhhhhhhhh.  In my muthaf*ckin’ mouthhhhhhhhhh.”

You didn’t need to ask a girl to dance.  Akinyele, Mr. “Ak-nell, you know I rock well, girl I’ll get up in that ass like K-Y Gel” did it for you.  And I knew none of these girls would ever be Ms. Right, just Ms. Right Now.  By 6:15, I was kickin’ em’ out….

I’ll call a ho a ho in a second.  If any lady reading this got offended reading this because they were singing UGH UGH UGH last week at the club…I’m sorry….but you’re probably a ho, or at least have ho tendencies.

If you want a man to respect you, act like the woman you claim to be.  Bottom line.

Feel free to comment.

Baby Ballers

New Year’s Eve is coming up, and I’m starting to make my plans for the holiday.  I like to travel with friends and go to a party or two and bring in the new year upbeat.  I try to start each year anew and learn from my successes and failures of the last year.

For the last few years, I’ve gone to Atlanta (Note: I love Atlanta.  The people are friendly and you can’t throw a rock without hitting a gentlemen’s club or two).  I was talking with one of my best friends who lives there about last year’s festivities.

I remember a club we went to and some interesting characters we met.  There were a group of young men we called the “baby ballers.”  About eight of them, and none were taller than 5’8″.  They were a bunch of Kanye West wannabees, and if you know anything about how I feel about Kanye West, that’s not a compliment (see my post “Damn You Kanye West“).

Anyway you couldn’t tell these fools they weren’t the sh*t as they strolled through the crowd with their velvet blazers and scarfs to the crowded back area.

My boy and I started laughing at these fools the minute we laid eyes on them.  These guys were doing everything wrong, but you could tell they were so full of themselves and so full of sh*t that you could have given them “Meeting Women For Dummies” and it wouldn’t have helped.

They proceeded to post up in the pseudo VIP (that’s the table as far in the back as possible next to the actual VIP section), wave their scarfs in the air, look down over their shades, and show their collective asses for the rest of the night.  The problem is that I’ve seen this too often, and it’s time I intervened.  You “baby ballers” are not only embarrassing yourselves and your parents, you are embarrassing me.

So, for all of you “baby ballers” out there, you need a grown man to set you straight.  Let me give you a few tips:

• Don’t wear shades in the club.  You look like an idiot.  It’s already dark and you keep bumping into people because you can’t see.

• Feel free to order champagne and party all night but don’t draw attention to yourselves by holding up your bottle of champagne with the label sticking out for all to see.  You only make it clear that you aren’t used to drinking it.

• …especially if the eight of you have to share one bottle and sip your glass like it’s a bottle of Evian in the Sahara desert.  And when the bottle’s empty, ask your server to take it away.  You look like idiots when you pass an empty champagne bottle around to each other and take pictures with it like you’re really doing something.

• Think of a good way to introduce yourself to a woman.  Something that says you have character and half a brain.  Here’s an idea, how about “Hi, my name is (insert here).  I saw you from across the room and wanted to come meet you.  What’s your name? It’s nice to meet you.”  I’ve actually heard a young man introduce himself with the line  “HEY BABY, WASSUP WIT CHO P*SSY?” To call that ignant (yes, I said “ignant”; that’s a new level of ignorant) is an understatement.

• Don’t throw a wad of money in the air.  It’s immature and makes you look like a clown.  It makes you look even more stupid when its a wad of $1 bills.

• Leave a tip!  A gratuity.  If you can look like you can afford to buy champagne, you can look like you can afford to tip your server.  Saying “That’s the job they chose, why should I tip?” is a sorry excuse.

Come to think of it, I have a better idea.  Stop trying to be a baller.  A real man doesn’t have to show off.  It’s time for your to grow up.  Become a man among boys.

Feel free to comment.