God Is Good…All The Time

Since it’s the day before Thanksgiving, instead of giving you a blog topic, I thought I’d give you a reminder of why we should all be thankful.

The Lord is my shepherd, and he knows what I like.

Feel free to comment…or just look and give thanks.  Happy Thanksgiving.

Dumb B*tches Wanted: Inquire Within

I’ve been thinking about my life lately, particularly my relationships with women.  After much deliberation, I’ve come to one realization:  I need a dumb b*tch in my life.

I used to think that I wanted a woman of education, intelligence and beauty that I could build a life with.  I’m rethinking that plan.  Now, I just want a dumb b*tch with a cute face, big ass, and a nice set of knockers.  Yes, I’m shallow and my requirements are minimal.

Here are the factors in my rational.  Very logical.  Basically A + B = C.  Follow along:

• You need “yin and yang” in a relationship.  Opposites keep balance in the world.  Black and white.  Fair and foul.  Right and wrong.  You can’t have too much of one side or else the relationship tips over.

• Intelligent men are educated, experienced, and learned.  They have viewpoints and opinions.  Intelligent men want to share their intelligence through conversation.  I’m an educated man. I’m an experienced man.  I’m a learned man.  I’ve traveled the world and seen many things.

• Intelligent women are also educated, experienced, and learned, as they should be.  They have viewpoints and opinions (unfortunately). They want to express themselves and add to the conversation.

• Men and women can’t communicate.  The book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” made millions.  There are people who actually make their living at helping men and women talk to each other.  There are blogs all over the place about relationships.  It’s a well-known fact that the sexes can’t talk to each other.

If it’s been proven that men and women already have trouble communicating, then what the f*ck do I want an intelligent woman for?   All we’re going to do is spend all of our time arguing because we both have contrasting viewpoints and can’t express them in a way the other will understand.  The result is two intelligent people trying to show how smart they are by proving the other wrong and attempting to “one up” each other all night.

If I have to get into a gun fight, I’d rather go up against a .22 caliber than an assault rifle.  Understand where I’m going with this?

Having an intelligent woman is just making my life harder and adds to my stress.  Now I have to sit here and debate over just about everything just because you want to have an opinion.

Therefore, there is only one logical conclusion…I need a dumb b*tch.

Dumb b*tches don’t know what they don’t know.  They can be easily swayed in conversation and agree with just about everything you say because, frankly, they don’t know sh*t.  Some might say that I afraid to have an intelligent woman because she has her own mind, but that’s not true.  Most intelligent women just don’t know how to shut the f*ck up long enough for someone to filter what they’re saying and offer an intelligent counter.

If I want an intelligent conversation, that’s what I have my boys for.  We can go to a bar and talk sports, politics, education, women, economy, and whatever else we want because men can express themselves to other men logically.  Men can talk to men about anything, and if we don’t agree, well, we just “agree to disagree” and move onto the next topic.

Men and women get into arguments over what movie to go see, and that stupid sh*t can go on for hours.

Is it morally wrong that I basically want an empty shell with a beautiful exterior?  Maybe, but if it will keep a happy home, so be it.  That moral void will be replaced with a stress free life.  I’ll carry the burden of intelligence while she plays the role of window dressing.

Some of you may be thinking, “How is she going to teach your kids?”  She won’t.  They’ll do the same thing your kids do – GO TO SCHOOL.  The difference is my kids will be well rested because they’re not kept up from mommy and daddy arguing all night.

Here’s what I want:

• I want a dumb b*tch that if she’s driving and her gas needle is getting close to empty, she speeds up because she wants to make it to a station before she runs out of gas.

• I want a dumb b*tch that she thinks because she says “hola”, that makes her bi-lingual.

• I want a dumb b*tch that thinks a good career move is going from the french fry bin to the register at McDonald’s.

• I want a dumb b*tch that names her child “La-a” and pronounces it LA-DASH-A  (the funny thing is, I actually know of such a case; true story).

If you’re a female, and you don’t understand anything I’ve said here…you qualify.  Leave your name and number in the comments.

And relax, ladies, it’s all in fun.  I’m just kiddin’…mostly .  Feel free to express your thoughts.

Game, Set, Match…

I was at a female friend’s place last Sunday watching a few of the football games.  Nothing sexual.  We’ve always flirted, but we kept it at that.  We kicked back on the sofa, threw a few pillows back and forth, ordered a pizza, and got ready for a full day of watching what many be the manliest of all sports.

She sat there in her t-shirt and oversized sweats, with her hair pulled back in a single pony tail.  No make up or perfume.  Just two friends layin’ back.

Out of the blue she says to me perhaps the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard…

“Notice how Eli (Manning) always says “Omaha” right before the snapcount they’re going on.  He might need to switch that up. The defense is starting to catch on.”

My head quickly snapped to.  Huh? How did she catch onto that?? And she said it before the announcer says the same thing.

Suddenly, she seemed to glow a bit, almost radiant.  A while later…

“Idiot!! Why would you pass on 3rd and a mile inside your own 10 yard line? You’ve given the other team great field position on the kickoff.  Why don’t you just give the game away? Moron.”

I smiled at her as she started talking about how the coach has been calling boneheaded plays all game, but I wasn’t paying attention.   I just kept staring at her longingly.  Luckily, I was able to come to my senses and focus on the game.

I almost got trapped.

Fellas, it can happen to you too.  Beware.  Nowadays, women are infiltrating the inner sanctum of our mancaves.  Football Sundays are no longer just ours.  Women are watching boxing more and more.  The commissioner of my fantasy football league is a woman (she’s good too).

It’s not a new concept.  We men have been doing that for years.  Tell me you haven’t tried to cook a woman a meal to impress her. Tell me you didn’t watch Eddie Murphy as Marcus Graham in the movie “Boomerang” put on his mac and seduce Lela Rochon’s fine ass  and say….”Hmmmm, rosemary, huh.  I’ll have to add some of that next time I cook salmon” (great movie, rent if you haven’t seen it).

I’ve talked with female friends of mine that admitted to me they learned more about a sport to trap a man.  I’m not saying that there aren’t some women out there that are genuinely interested in football, but when a female friend of yours starts breaking down the zone blitz to you, your radar should be going up.

Women are smart fellas.  No longer are they thinking “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”  Now, they’re telling you why a wide receiver’s yards after catch should be higher.

If a girl you’re dating know more about your favorite sport than you, she’s got a plan.

I’m just trying to look out for you.

What are your thoughts? Feel free to comment.